Top 20 Tracks of 2015 (As per my iPod)

Gonna get the stats in here lively. Play count in brackets.

  1. Hazel English – Fix (47). Comes with free tampon.

  2. Heems – Home feat Dev Hynes (37). Some bird broke up with him so he made a song about it I guess. Production value for days.

  3. Christine and the Queens – Christine (Paradis Remix) (31). Song’s in French. Can’t be sure but may be something to do with boursin +/- Laurent Koscielny. 

  4. Day Wave – Drag (31). Some downtempo bullshit. 

  5. Oh Wonder – Landslide (31). Christ I’m such a fucking girl. 

  6. Brenda Lee – Danke Schoen (29). If you’ve not seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off then you are not the kind of prick I want to be talking to. 

  7. The Frighteners – I’d Rather Go Blind (28). Controversial. No girl is worth your fucking eyes mate.

  8. kiiara – Feels (28). This chick is like 10 and has like loads of problems. Like LOADS of problems.

  9. Hazel English – It’s Not Real (27). Not this bird again, FFS.

  10. Jeremih – Planes feat J Cole (27). This song is just filthy. “We both graduated, so fuck keeping it classy.”

  11. Hazel English – Never Going Home (26). FUUUUUCCKKKK

  12. Nadia Reid – Call the Days (25). I would never ever ever put my iPod on shuffle. No one needs to know what a miserably emo dickhead I am. 

  13. Selena Gomez – Good For You feat A$AP Rocky (24). She’s legal isn’t she? Selena?

  14. Danny Brown – Red 2 Go (23). I just want to break everything now. 

  15. A$AP Rocky – Canal St (23). Named after the station. If you haven’t got his album yet, why not? Why the fuck not? The drop at 55s of the rhythm section is more exhilarating than a direct kick to the ball sack.

  16. Kidkanevil – Ewok ft Ocean Wisdom (22). I just want to break everything Part II

  17. kiiara – Gold (Hippie Sabotage) (21). Because the original song was shit.

  18. kiiara – Intention (20). I definitely didn’t listen to this song that much. Fuck this.

  19. Danny Brown – Side A (18). This definitely isn’t his best song. My play count is erroneous.

  20. Snakehips – Gone feat Syd (18). Sexy times.

Disclaimer: I am 99% sure that iPod is a lying bastard. 

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Pucker Playlist: June 2014

A collection of songs I’ve found myself listening to. I don’t know if my cup has been half empty recently or whether I even have one anymore but regardless, these songs have been circulating. None are particularly new, all are particularly good.

1. Toro y Moi – Say That

Video above, I mean, that dance in the chorus right? Great glasses bro.

2. G-Easy – Far Alone (Feat. E-40 & Jay Ant)

So fucking ghetto innit.

3.  Chet Faker – Talk is Cheap (Ta-ku Remix)

You know when you call your girlfriend fat and you can just hear the last words tumble out of your mouth and everything slows down to almost nothing and it is everything you can do to hope that the world will open up and engulf you? That.

4. Funkineven & Fatima – Phone Line

Wassup girl.

5. Sylvan Esso – Hey Mami

I remember kissing a danish girl in my car so long ago who was so incredibly beautiful she made my stomach ache. We spoke for so long and I felt like I hand’t been closer to anyone for the longest time. All I wanted to do was kiss her and feel her against me. In the end I reached across and kissed her fully expecting my world to implode. It turned out to be one of the worst kisses I have ever been involved in.

6. The Slackers – Alone Again

Sometimes being alone isn’t so bad. For three blithe minutes, this song certainly thinks so.

7. The Notorious BIG – Ten Crack Commandments

I spoke to some guy about East coast and West Coast and he spoke at length as to why Biggie was inferior to Pac. I nodded and listened and let him be. What a fucking twat.

8. Jaw Jam – Tha One I See In My Fantasies When Im Dreaming (Mix II)

Old school garage that’s not old school garage. You know what I mean right? Can’t find the youtube link for this. Soundcloud it, you wankers.

9. How to Dress Well – Repeat Pleasure

I think this is a trilogy? I mean, what’s the fucking point. Why not just write another song? It’s not a fucking film. You cunts.

10. D’Angelo – Spanish Joint (Osage Remix)

Afrobeat is one of the best things to have happened to music. I guess I don’t know whether this is afrobeat but the statement still stands.

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Pucker Playlists: June

1. Kanye West – Bound 2

“I know you’re tired of loving, with no body to love…”

What kind of wanker would I be if I neglected one of the most anticipated releases of 2013. I see Kanye as a wizard of sorts, so absurdly pretentious and self-interested in his own aspirations and abilities but so undoubtedly deserved of his acclaim. There are few people who will be revered in the realms of pop music in the future. What Kanye has done for hip-hop will be talked of for years to come – each album throwing the face of hip-hop as it is known to the general public into new and exciting directions. From the doubled sped motown samples, to the synth and auto-tune to the new industrial rock-rap of Yeezus. I’m not saying at all that he is entirely original. Yeezus reeks of Spank Rock, Death Grips, Cannibal Ox who have championed future rap as it were for some time. The references though will at least lead some of the more un-inspired hip-hop fans of the beaten track. At least it’s not another Ludacris album.

2. Odd Future – Lean 

“If I was a dinosaur, I would be a flexosaurus….”

I really have no idea who Hodgy Beats tells to shut up over and over again for the 29 seconds of this song. It must be important for it to roll onto the recording of the song. When have rappers ever sworn on songs otherwise? I lack the vocabulary to adequately articulate my love for OFWGKTA. This song makes me want to smoke till my eyes are swollen, my tongue is dry and my mind is stuck on some ridiculous scene from The Moomins, I mean have you seen that cartoon, what the fuck are they supposed to be??

3. Mac Miller – Love Affair

“Raindrops make me feel romantic….”

If you have no time for jazz you can stick a fucking saxophone right between your fucking butt cheeks until it slides unhelpfully past your dry fucking unprepared sphincter into the dirty realms of your rectums and then you cry and cry and try and sit down to put your head in your hands, but you can’t because of said saxophone.

4. Chet Baker – I Get Along Without You Very Well

“I recall, the thrill of being sheltered in your arms…”

Of course I do, because Chet sings like the taste of that hot coffee, freshly poured, tumbling smootly down your throat on cold autumn mornings, into your chest to your very fingertips as the wind howls outside and the rain shows no sign of stopping.

5. Bombay Bicycle Club – Rinse Me Down

“Give me the eyes…”

When the wind hits your face and the tears come and you run on and on and the pain comes and goes and comes again and ground moves faster and slower, or so it feels and the sun doesn’t come and the breathing is more difficult but you carry on with your heavy legs and disappointed skies and somewhere, someone smiles because you didn’t give up.

6. Machinedrum – DDD

“You’re here…”

If you run all that way to catch the tube and the doors close in your face and some c**t laughs and so you punch them over and over again in the face until the soft warm breeze of the underground heralds another incoming and/or someone pulls you off and calls the police.

7. Frank Ocean – Dying For Your Love

“On the frontlines of disaster…”

One of the notable events in the history of urban music in America, undoubtedly urban black music the world throughout was the declaration of Frank Ocean as being homosexual. The uncomfortable male bravado and homophobic sentiment in the community ran rank in the air and had certainly come to a head and the world was overdue a fall guy, willing to take the weight of the revelation that young black men could be gay. As far as I am concerned anything Ocean does from here on in will be worth watching. A spokesperson for a lost society of young black men. Superb song.

8. Death Grips – No Love Deep Web

“Stranger clutch, sine wave deconstruct….”

This is probably what Batman listens to in the Batmobile when he is careering through Gotham about to fuck up the Joker or some shit. Probably.

9. Death Grips – Pop 

“Lit up rock you live under….”

Any album that has an erect penis on the front is worth listening to right?

10. Danny Brown – Monopoly

“Her stank pussy smell like cool ranch Doritos…”

With a vocal that comes as a frantic call to arms, peppered in staccato, referencing the oddest of metaphors – hello Danny Brown. If you want to act real gangsta, but you’re a middle class white kid who doesn’t want to seem like you’re a “cliche” to listening to Odd Future, listen to Danny Brown. Tell all your black friends.

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Pucker Playlists: April

So I thought I’d add a new feature to my blog, essentially a recap of my favourite songs in the last month. They won’t always be from the preceding weeks; I am nowhere near as close to the music scene as I once might have been, but I’ll always try and include at least a few contemporary riddims. If you want up to date music information, this is not the place my friend. I should probably add that this is unlikely to ever include much in the way of popular music per se. This is not because I have anything against it – some songs are occasionally very good but, let’s face it – The top 40 is the equivalent of a man in a business suit, hiding behind whatever 12 year old foetus that has just fallen out of his mother’s uterus, holding a gun to your head in the form of an apparent piece of music, lasting the lifetime of 3 minutes. I digress

1. Disclosure – Latch
I realised that more and more these days, the songs that inspire me generally fall into two categories. The ones that rise incrementally in roaring crescendo and those with a reliable sonic marker that falls every few seconds. This is inherently related to the fact that it is incredibly inspiring to follow in the middle of a run where, mentally, I have no idea who or what I am. This song has both. It begins with a kick and “boop” which sounds so simple, but I just cannot get enough of. Galvanised by one of the most feel good videos (see above) I have seen in a long time, I have lost count of the number of times I have seen it. Look out for the masks…

2. Jai Paul – Str8 From Mumbai
I love the sound of London. Like M.I.A. (before she sold her soul to America) or Burial, there is a distinctly dirty London sound to Jai Paul that is simply unmatachable. His releases however, are so few and far between, each offering becomes an instant classic. I cannot place the song into genre. I love that.

3. T Williams – Heartbeat feat Terri Walker (Original)
I know it’s UK Funky. I know it’s not the late nineties anymore, I know I’m probably the only person who still listens to the Heartless Crew, but this song makes me miss garage and 2-step so much. Wait until 1:17 minutes for the saccharine sound of the chorus and the subtle drop of the bass and kick. The live link is what parties should be about.

4. How To Dress Well – Again
Ballads really do drag don’t they? People like Celine Dion make me want to pick at the lax skin lateral to my eyes and gently pull it in ever increasing circles around my face until the muscle bellies beneath my skin ache under the cracking glare of the ambient atmosphere and my eyes dry from an inability to blink in muted blindness and my ears bleed from the sound of meaningless sweet nothings. This however is not a ballad. It is PBR&B. Look it up. Then again, it is a Janet Jackson cover, so to be honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

5. De$ignated – Valentine ft Kyiki (Kyogi Remix)
I feel like I should be in Mario on the original Nintendo gameboy with the graphics that look like the programmers built them using their teeth. When I listen to this, I want to jump down chimneys and squish turtles and ogle weirdly anglo-oriental princesses wearing ridiculous prom dresses without any cleavage.

6. Four Tet – For These Times
I still can’t decide whether I feel like repeatedly running into a wall with pious regularity, when I listen to this song or beating my head with a dirty soup ladle. It’s a toughie.

7. Bipolar Sunshine – Rivers
If like, Jack Penate had sex with B.O.B. and they had a kid who they sent to some cliquey American school who would spend his summers with his Jamaican Aunt in London who would take him shopping in Brixton market. That.

8. Rhye – Open
This song is sung by a man. I’m not lying, it is actually a man. The video makes me feel really depressed. If you’re having a good day, I wouldn’t watch it. Not unless you’re some sort of sadist. Do whatever you want then.

9. Quasimoto – Planned Attack
Lord Quas is back.

10. Kidnap Kid – So Close
Some songs make you feel like you can do anything. This would be one of those.