I hate myself and want some pie.


Run, come save me.

Now Playing: On and On – Ghosts

I don’t know. I think Monday is becoming the start of my running week. Clearly it is the start of the week – of that much I am sure, but since I’ve come back – I’ve not had a chance to go for a longer Sunday run. I don’t think I’m anywhere ready to confront anything longer than 10K and I’m just about getting up to speed with the 5K, riding comfortably now at about an 8 minute mile.

I had had a particularly disagreeable day at work, following a long weekend and so was really looking forward to my run. The weather was good enough, but noting the strong headwind, I opted to go for the gym instead, where seemingly the entirety of Greater London had congregated. I believe what this phenomenon represents, is the desperate rush to remove the sagging gut before the (INCOMING SARCASM) glorious English summer, where the sun shines all day and it never rains. Ever. I have some big news for some of these people as it happens – mountains couldn’t displace their gravitational field. I am certain that some of these larger folk had a solar system in tow, coke cans in orbit. Fat bastards.

Back to the running. I ran 3.29 miles in 26 minutes 47 seconds. These are my splits.

Screen shot 2013-04-30 at 21.25.24

Not too bad. When I broke 5 minute/km last time, I felt like I had the sweaty hand of God on my chest. No sign of providence this time, only the odd sight of man wearing dolly shoes. I stared at that bloke for a particularly long while. My time probably would have been better if it wasn’t for…


Can you see where my shoe lace came undone? What a c**t. Sorry about that. I SAID CUNT.


Pucker Playlists: April

So I thought I’d add a new feature to my blog, essentially a recap of my favourite songs in the last month. They won’t always be from the preceding weeks; I am nowhere near as close to the music scene as I once might have been, but I’ll always try and include at least a few contemporary riddims. If you want up to date music information, this is not the place my friend. I should probably add that this is unlikely to ever include much in the way of popular music per se. This is not because I have anything against it – some songs are occasionally very good but, let’s face it – The top 40 is the equivalent of a man in a business suit, hiding behind whatever 12 year old foetus that has just fallen out of his mother’s uterus, holding a gun to your head in the form of an apparent piece of music, lasting the lifetime of 3 minutes. I digress

1. Disclosure – Latch
I realised that more and more these days, the songs that inspire me generally fall into two categories. The ones that rise incrementally in roaring crescendo and those with a reliable sonic marker that falls every few seconds. This is inherently related to the fact that it is incredibly inspiring to follow in the middle of a run where, mentally, I have no idea who or what I am. This song has both. It begins with a kick and “boop” which sounds so simple, but I just cannot get enough of. Galvanised by one of the most feel good videos (see above) I have seen in a long time, I have lost count of the number of times I have seen it. Look out for the masks…

2. Jai Paul – Str8 From Mumbai
I love the sound of London. Like M.I.A. (before she sold her soul to America) or Burial, there is a distinctly dirty London sound to Jai Paul that is simply unmatachable. His releases however, are so few and far between, each offering becomes an instant classic. I cannot place the song into genre. I love that.

3. T Williams – Heartbeat feat Terri Walker (Original)
I know it’s UK Funky. I know it’s not the late nineties anymore, I know I’m probably the only person who still listens to the Heartless Crew, but this song makes me miss garage and 2-step so much. Wait until 1:17 minutes for the saccharine sound of the chorus and the subtle drop of the bass and kick. The live link is what parties should be about.

4. How To Dress Well – Again
Ballads really do drag don’t they? People like Celine Dion make me want to pick at the lax skin lateral to my eyes and gently pull it in ever increasing circles around my face until the muscle bellies beneath my skin ache under the cracking glare of the ambient atmosphere and my eyes dry from an inability to blink in muted blindness and my ears bleed from the sound of meaningless sweet nothings. This however is not a ballad. It is PBR&B. Look it up. Then again, it is a Janet Jackson cover, so to be honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

5. De$ignated – Valentine ft Kyiki (Kyogi Remix)
I feel like I should be in Mario on the original Nintendo gameboy with the graphics that look like the programmers built them using their teeth. When I listen to this, I want to jump down chimneys and squish turtles and ogle weirdly anglo-oriental princesses wearing ridiculous prom dresses without any cleavage.

6. Four Tet – For These Times
I still can’t decide whether I feel like repeatedly running into a wall with pious regularity, when I listen to this song or beating my head with a dirty soup ladle. It’s a toughie.

7. Bipolar Sunshine – Rivers
If like, Jack Penate had sex with B.O.B. and they had a kid who they sent to some cliquey American school who would spend his summers with his Jamaican Aunt in London who would take him shopping in Brixton market. That.

8. Rhye – Open
This song is sung by a man. I’m not lying, it is actually a man. The video makes me feel really depressed. If you’re having a good day, I wouldn’t watch it. Not unless you’re some sort of sadist. Do whatever you want then.

9. Quasimoto – Planned Attack
Lord Quas is back.

10. Kidnap Kid – So Close
Some songs make you feel like you can do anything. This would be one of those.